that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
