My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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