there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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