when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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