The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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