While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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