so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
