I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
