I wish my penis had an off switch
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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