I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
