frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
