I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
