I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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