Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
