Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I still have a little drunk in my system
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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