I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
