that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
