i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
