hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
