Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Pants are for mortals
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
