sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
