I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
