the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
