the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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