Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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