Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
