she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
