On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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