i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
