Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
