theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
