i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
