his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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