I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
