I hate all girls vehemently.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
