you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
