It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
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Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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