my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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