Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
