I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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