took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
