no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
