worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
