Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
