Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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