Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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