glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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