Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
