I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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