remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
