there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
