Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
